11 Feb What Is Codependency? Understanding the Signs
What Is Codependency? Understanding the Signs and Breaking Free
Codependency is a pattern of unhealthy emotional reliance on others, often at the expense of one’s own needs. It typically develops in relationships where one person takes on a caretaker role, feeling responsible for the emotions, actions, or well-being of another.
In a nutshell it’s a matter of can you live and function as an adult effectively without this person in your life, and if the answer is no, it’s a sign of codependency.
While rooted in good intentions, codependency can lead to resentment, burnout, and a loss of self-identity. Codependency is the most common type of dysfunctional relationship. If you have experienced trauma in your childhood e.g. alcoholism, abuse etc… then unless you’ve done any in significant therapy or healing work, the chances are you will be in a codependent relationship with your partner and/or friends. There’s no judgment, I’ve been there, many times.
What is codependency in a romantic relationship?
Quite often there can be a dominant ‘caring’ party and a submissive ‘victim’. This dynamic thrives where there is one person who is the ‘breadwinner’ so to speak and another with a more domesticated role who is dominant. Dominance and coercive control are often misunderstood as ‘care’.
The ‘breadwinner’ will work themselves to the bone, leading to mental health breakdowns and poor physical health while the dominant party under the guise of care, projects a ‘victimhood’ mentality onto their partner by feeling sorry for them. Feeling sorry for your partner is a red flag for codependency.
This exacerbates their poor boundaries as they find themselves constantly needing their partner to reassure them and look after them emotionally, telling them they’ve ‘done too much’ or ‘are being taken advantage of’ due to their people pleasing.
This causes breakdowns and conflict in communications both in their personal and business relationships, while the dominant party self-righteously dictates how they should respond to people and situations that arise because of their poor boundaries, instead of encouraging autonomy and nurturing their confidence. This is an example codependency.
On the flipside the breadwinner can also be the dominant party leading to financial and sexual control and abuse.
Signs of Codependency
If you struggle with codependency, you may notice these patterns in your relationships:
- Difficulty setting boundaries – Saying no feels uncomfortable, and you may fear rejection or conflict.
- People-pleasing tendencies – You prioritize others’ needs over your own, even at personal cost.
- An unhealthy preoccupation with the relationship – A lack of autonomy no solo interests, hobbies or friends
- Low self-worth – Your sense of value is tied to how much you do for others.
- Fear of abandonment – You may tolerate unhealthy behaviours to avoid being alone.
- Over-functioning in relationships – Taking excessive responsibility for others’ problems or emotions.
- Neglecting your own needs – You struggle to prioritize self-care, hobbies, or personal goals.
- Seeking validation from others – Your happiness depends on external approval.
- Feeling trapped in unhealthy relationships – Difficulty walking away from toxic dynamics, even when they hurt you.
- Guilt and anxiety when focusing on yourself – You feel selfish for prioritizing your well-being.
Breaking Free from Codependency
Awareness is the first step in overcoming codependency. Start by setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking support from therapy, coaching, or self-help resources. Learning to nurture your own needs without guilt is key to developing balanced, fulfilling relationships.
Breaking codependent patterns takes time, but by prioritizing self-worth and emotional independence, you can cultivate healthier, more authentic connections.
I’m a relationship coach book a complimentary 30- Minute exploratory call with me here if you would like to discuss your current challenges with codependency and explore how I may be able to help.