Last weeks Grazia magazine had an article about a couple (Mark and Kirsty) who only have sex 3 times a year because they are so stressed about their lack of money.
I was deeply concerned at the reference that this is ‘normal’ for couples in there 30’s.
Mark and Kirsty’s marriage is in complete crisis and they both seem oblivious. They seem content (in my opinion – naïve) with the fact that they assume that everything will be back on track once they have money.
I understand and empathise that they have deep financial worries however it’s no excuse to lose their intimacy and connection.
They still eat because they need to survive, they still look after their son, because he needs to survive too, but they also need intimacy for their relationship to survive so why have they let it go in times of such dire crisis? This is when it’s needed the most!….
It seems that this is an excuse that is hiding deeper issues, and almost a case of them wallowing in self-pity, and looking for a reason to make things as miserable as possible for them both. Are they punishing each other and themselves for getting in a rut financially?
Sex, intimacy and affection (along with laughter) are the things that would help them up their spirit and bring some positivity to their daily life – releasing happy endorphins and putting them in a better head space to deal with and solve their financial worries.
Interesting that although they have ‘no time’ they find time to sit and watch tv, and feel uncomfortable watching couples get intimate. Isn’t it more important to address and save their marriage rather than watch tv?
For Mark to get constantly rejected because Kirsty ‘doesn’t want to’ have sex is soul destroying, and it will destroy his confidence. Why do women/men not put themselves in the position of how that would feel to get constantly rejected for sex by their husband/wife – the person they love and adore? I don’t know if this has only happened one way round or both, but either way if it’s a common occurrence it’s very destructive to the relationship. It is possible that Mark started being ‘too tired’ for sex after a number of rejections, and then they ended up in a vicious circle of both avoiding sex. Too tired isn’t an excuse… how about just holding, kissing and caressing each other for 10/15 minutes before bed?
Mark won’t be able to successfully change their financial situation if he has no confidence, and neither will Kirsty. They need to support, boost each other up and make each other feel good so they can be in the right frame of mind for easing their financial situation. If the finances are that bad and Mark is working such long hours, can Kirsty maybe find something part time to do from home (to work around having her son)?
I empathise with them both but it is for their sake that I suggest they find a way to spend quality time with each other and consciously try and put their problems aside and out of their minds, at the very least for a couple of hours a week – without quality time with each other they have no hope of salvaging their marriage.
It’s these situations where infidelity becomes a tempting option for one or both parties in a relationship.
The bigger the void gets between them the possibility of infidelity will increase. They are in complete denial.
Why does everything have to be about sex, and an end result? There are a number of very basic ways to keep connection and intimacy through affection without having to always have the pressure or expectation of sex. However it will take understanding, compromise and patience on both sides.
Things like sharing a bubble bath in candlelight and giving each other a massage to relax will help build connection, as long as there is no expectation of sex at the end of it. Sitting watching a romantic comedy and cuddling on the sofa or rubbing each other’s feet – general, basic pampering and affection.
Once the comfort levels are there and the intimacy and connection is rebuilt, the desire for sex will increase and they will be able to move things forward.
However if they keep on as they are neglecting their marriage and relationship then they are heading in the direction of infidelity and/or divorce.