11 Jan How to Fix a Sexless Marriage
How to Fix a a Sexless Marriage
Although classed as ‘involuntary celibacy’ this is not to be confused with the radical misogynistic ‘incel’ movement. Involuntary celibacy is very real in relationships and can be both a long term and short-term issue which when left un-resolved can lead to feelings of loneliness, a low sense of self-worth, isolation and infidelity.
Involuntary celibacy in marriage refers to a situation where one partner desires sexual intimacy, but their needs remain unmet due to their spouse’s lack of interest. This creates a sexless marriage, leaving the desiring partner feeling unfulfilled and often frustrated.
Emotional and Psychological Impact of a Sexless Marriage
Being in a sexless marriage without intimacy can lead to feelings of rejection, and frustration. Over time, these emotions may evolve into resentment, eroding the bond and connection between partners. A lack of intimacy can also diminish self-esteem and contribute to overall emotional distress.
Common Causes
The causes of involuntary celibacy in a sexless marriage are multifaceted and may include:
- Stress, a traumatic event or mental health challenges.
- Physical health issues, including sexual dysfunction or chronic pain.
- Disparities in libido or mismatched sexual desires.
- Relationship conflicts or unresolved emotional wounds.
- Body image issues.
- Lack of physical attraction.
- Hormone imbalance. Eg. Menopause.
- Past trauma or personal anxieties around intimacy.
Importance of Communication and Support
Addressing involuntary celibacy begins with open and honest communication with your partner. You may be the one desiring sex and not getting it from a partner who’s happy to go without, however this is not a ‘you’ problem, this is a shared problem, and a loving partner should care if your needs aren’t being met, and visa-versa. You are not selfish for having needs, what’s selfish is not caring about your partner’s needs.
Step 1; Address the Elephant in the Room, the lack of sex in your marriage, however pick your moment. If they’re feeling at ease and not stressed out or under pressure, they’re likely to be more responsive. The denial and avoidance of communication is a clear message itself. Without mutual communication and a willingness to address any problems in the relationship there is a level of dysfunction that doesn’t facilitate growth and will lead to ongoing feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction.
Step 2; Open Communication by inviting them to share how they feel about the intimate side of the relationship. Asking them if there’s anything you can do to pleasure them to encourage more interest in sex and intimacy. Don’t fobbed off with excuses your needs matter. Even with physical and mental health issues, and without vaginal/anal penetration there are ways to avoid a sexless marriage and nurture intimacy and emotional and physical connection.
Step 3; Talk About How You Feel and Express Your Needs, explaining the importance of maintaining this side of the relationship for your wellbeing and the longevity of the relationship. If you are not willing to accept a sexless marriage or partnership, they need to know. Complacency and denial may have worked in the past, however, there needs to be a shared ownership of the problem and a mutual desire to resolve and fix a sexless marriage.
Step 4; If you can’t resolve things together, do seek professional support from a coach or therapist specializing in sexual health (such as myself) to help uncover underlying causes for the lack of sex and provide tools for rebuilding intimacy. Sharing feelings in a non-judgmental space can create understanding and foster connection to rebuild an intimate connection.
Whatever happens know that you are not alone, and as a coach I can assure you that a sexless marriage is more common than you think.
If you want to explore how I may be able to help you resolve your sexless marriage, then let’s jump on a call. You can book a FREE 30-minute call with me here…
https://calendly.com/rebeccadakin/30-minute-clarity-call?month=2025-01