So there’s a girl sitting in a quiet bar on her own:

The approach. Trust me if you go and plonk yourself down she will be cringing. I watched it happen the other day. This guy plonks himself opposite this attractive lady in a booth, sits directly opposite her ‘where are you from?’ She hadn’t finished her drink but she got up and left immediately.

You might be thinking ‘how rude’ on her part. Let me explain… He had opened the door for her on the way into the pub, and because she was polite and said thank you he saw a green light that she was interested. This is not an IOI (indicator of interest) for conversation or anything else, it’s just good manners.

First thing to note is that this guy had clearly been in the pub for hours and was probably even irritating the bar man. A drunken man approaching a sober woman is never attractive.

Second of all, it’s likely she could be waiting for someone – maybe even a boyfriend. So a more subtle approach is needed to test the water……

There can be a fine line between being assertive and being intrusive into someone’s space. Assertiveness is about leading, being intrusive in someone’s space means you don’t recognize personal boundaries.

As soon as he sat opposite her in the booth he was in her personal space. He didn’t ask if he could have a seat, he just sat down. Yes it’s a free world but being in someone’s space (when there is plenty of other ‘available space’) when you have built no connection or rapport is uncomfortable for that person. In a booth you are sort of trapped in in a way, because it’s a little more awkward to get in and out.

Rightly or wrongly any woman that gets approached by a man is thinking ‘he wants to get in my knickers’. So the best way to get a positive reaction is to initially act like you don’t, and get that out of her mind within about 5 seconds with how you approach and what you say. If you don’t get this out of your head initially and then hers within 5 seconds you will have blown it.

Once you have ‘it’ out of her mind and have made her feel safe that’s when you can build rapport and connection, and then get her thinking… ‘ooo I quite like this guy, I think I’m attracted to him.’ You can’t escalate things if you’ve been blown out, so there’s a certain amount of ‘slowly, slowly, catchy monkey’.

So what should he have done? Asked to sit down?

No. If he’d have asked she would have said no, and game over. He should have approached the opposite side of the table and asked an open question (a question that doesn’t require an easy yes/no answer), but,…. Not a cheesy or predictive one like, ‘So where are you from?’ It needs to be something interesting and engaging. It’s good to have some stories up your sleeve that you can use.

A good one is asking her for advice on something. Women love giving advice! Some of the PUA’s use this technique quite a lot for openers. Try to think of something that is true for you, if you feel awkward about making something up. This isn’t about lying or cheating women, it’s about saying what you need to to initially get an opportunity for a conversation.

So it could go something like this….

“Ok so you’re obviously a sophisticated lady and I need some advice from a woman, and you look like a nice helpful lady (n.b. you don’t ask if it’s ok, this is being assertive; you assume it is ok, because you are only asking a question and NOT trying to get in this woman’s knickers) It’s my Mum’s/Grandmas/sisters birthday and I want to buy her a gift, but I don’t know what to buy her. She’s a classy lady like yourself. What do you think?”

Or it could be your ‘niece’ who you adore, that you need to buy a gift for. You get a few brownie points from most women if you like kids. You could go off on a tangent here about how adorable your niece is and how you love playing with her… yada yada, and your eyes light up and you go into your own little world as recount your little niece.  

Once she starts responding and thinking of present ideas, you watch her physiology – is she being open and friendly? If so, you move to sit down and as you are sitting down (make sure it’s either midsentence for her or you) you sort of say/ask/assume “it’s ok to sit down?” You don’t stop your conversation you say it quickly, mid conversation, and with a lower tone of voice and as you sit you quickly get back to the gift ideas, so the focus is on the conversation and not what you are doing – sitting down.

Tip: A great way to break the ice and build comfort with a woman is to not talk about your self or ask questions about her, but to talk about someone else.

Once you have broken the ice and you’re sitting there and you feel she is comfortable chatting to you; that’s when you can show an interest in her and ask where she is from etc…

If you don’t feel comfortable to escalate things there and then always make sure you leave on a high before the conversation lags, so you could say “right I’d best be off to buy this present, hey thanks for your advice I really enjoyed chatting to you, if you want to meet for a coffee or you want to know what I ended up buying my little niece, here’s my number pop me a text…” Smile warmly and leave.

If you don’t get a positive response when you try and engage in conversation, don’t take it personally. You don’t know anything about this woman or her life. She may have just been dumped, lost her job, have PMT – there could be a variety of reasons why she may not want to talk, just smile warmly, apologise for bothering her, wish her a nice day and walk away. Never ever resent a woman who doesn’t give you the response you seek.

Need some guidance and want to talk your approaches/conversations starters through with me? You can arrange your time with me here –

http://www.rebeccadakin.com/ask-rebecca/dating-advice/men/consultation/