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Do you seem to always end up in relationships that make you unhappy but yet you carry on in them either hoping things get better, or because your esteem is low and you don’t want to be on your own, or because it’s easy to stay put where you are than to face up that it’s not working and to end the relationship? If you resonate with any of this then deep down you think you don’t deserve to be happy…

 

The way to avoid this is to be aware of warning signs of incompatibility early on.

You know those times when you feel really peed off about something your partner has said/done? Well most people ignore that niggly voice in their head that is saying ‘this isn’t right, he/she shouldn’t be treating/making me feel like this.’

This voice shouldn’t be ignored! It’s our sixth sense/our conscious/instinct. Generally if something doesn’t feel right – then it isn’t.

Ignoring potential signs of unsuitability (whether it’s in a friend or partner) is down to a lack of self-esteem and by ignoring these signs you actually fuel your lack of self-confidence. It’s imperative to have good relations that you know what your values are and don’t let people treat you badly.

One guy I worked with was very angry and bitter about how an ex had treated him in the relationship he was in for 2 years, and came out of it lacking trust in women. I highlighted to him that he needed to take responsibility for his choice.

He made the choice to date her for 2 years. People only treat you badly if you let them. Had he been assertive and knocked the relationship on the head early on when he realised that this person was not treating him well and not making him feel good about himself – he would have been able to walk away with his confidence intact. The person he should have been angry with was himself for putting up with her behaviour and not her – because there are a lot of people in the world that just aren’t nice people. Fact. Once you accept this fact life will become easier.

I worked with him to build his self esteem and to recognise early signs of incompatability. He as now broken his cycle of attracting the wrong sort of women.

Another client of mine arranged a date with a lady, and when we spoke he was worried she would let him down, because they had met out and about, and had one drunken snog, before this date was arranged. He asked me what to do.

My advice was very clear – to message her on the day and double check the arrangements and make sure nothing had come up. This is the what I have done in the past when I have arranged dates. If she didn’t reply I advised him not to leave the house, and not to take it personally. So many people are flaky! That is just how it is – no matter who you are or what you look like.

When the day came he did as I suggested. He didn’t hear back, so he then sent her an email (which was fine just in case she ‘lost’ her phone), he still didn’t hear back, but he decided to go against my advice and went to meet her. She didn’t turn up and he ended up angry and disappointed. There is no point on wasting negative energy on dislike/hatred for these people or on anger, because it will not benefit you in any way, it will hinder your potential for relationships.

N.B. So you should absolutely not send any nasty messages via text/voicemail or email. It will not make them feel bad, it will justify to them why they were right not to meet you or change their mind.

A week or so later she got in touch and said she had ‘lost’ her phone and he emailed me to say he was going to rearrange to meet her. I thought he was bonkers to even consider it! I asked him to think about whether she was someone that he really wanted to date based on her actions.

Her behaviour told me:

–       she was selfish and inconsiderate because she didn’t let him know she wasn’t going to be there – she could have replied to his email message.

–       she was either flaky and/or not that into him

–       she didn’t value him or his time

When he thought about her actions, he realised that this was not going to be the caring considerate person he wanted to date.

 

What are your values? Do you let other people compromise them?

 

Let me give you some examples –

So you’re dating someone and they always mess you about; they don’t turn up for your date, they are late, they frequently let you down at the last minute.

Your voice says – this isn’t right, this is really inconvenient, I’m mad, I’ve made arrangements, and it’s too late to make other plans. Why didn’t he/she let me know sooner?’ but then you justify the bad behaviour ‘it’s not his/her fault, something obviously came up, that sounds a valid excuse…’

 

What does it really say about them?

–       they don’t value you

–       they aren’t interested

–       they are selfish and inconsiderate

 

Or they say things sometimes that make you feel bad

Your voice says – this isn’t right, and you feel angry, but then you justify their words by thinking ‘well he/she doesn’t do it all the time, they say nice things to me too, they don’t mean it, maybe I’m being over-sensitive, they are in a bad mood, having a bad day, they only speak to me like this when they are drunk – it’s the alcohol…’

 

What does it really say about them?

–       they are insecure

–       they don’t want you to feel good about yourself

–       they don’t value/respect you

–       they are not a nice person

 

Perhaps you are dating someone and they are getting cross because you are not replying straight away to their messages…

Your voice says – Initially – ‘well I’ve been in meetings I can’t reply, what’s wrong with her/him?’ Then the voice of ‘reason’ justification creeps in…   ‘It’s only because they really like me, I’m quite flattered, I should have replied sooner, perhaps I did leave it too long…’

 

What does it really mean?

–       they are impatient

–       they don’t respect that you have a life and it’s not all about them

–       they are needy

–       they have too much time on their hands

 

 

Maybe they are in a relationship already but they are flirting with you and giving you the signs they want to take things further with you..

Your voice says – ‘They’re in a relationship, that’s not right.’ But then you reason – ‘I’m flattered, they must really like me, they aren’t happy in their relationship, (and even though you only know one side of the story… ) he/she’s being treated badly…’

 

What does this potentially really say about them?

–       they have low self esteem

–       they are a cheat, and will probably do the same if they are dating you

–       they don’t respect the person they are in a relationship with (and in turn are unlikely to respect you)

–       they are insecure and don’t want to be on their own *big warning signs for trouble down the line. (To be truly happy in a relationship you need to be happy and content with yourself, and not need a relationship but desire one).

 

Let me be clear that I’m not suggesting you don’t forgive people, we are all human beings and make mistakes – but what you have to notice is if things change after the apology. If someone is genuinely sorry they won’t do/say the same thing again. If they do, then they are not sorry, and by allowing them to keep doing what they are doing and apologizing, you have compromised your values, and what ever confidence you have, (if you have any) will be being chipped away at, and if you haven’t got any, you will be sabotaging any hope of getting building whilst you put up with people like this.

The excuse of someone being drunk is not an excuse, because if you really cared about someone and you knew that once you became a drunk you said/did hurtful things, and you genuinely were sorry and didn’t want to, then you wouldn’t drink. Period.

Too many people blame their lack of happiness on something/one else. If I can be in a relationship, I’ll be happy when I get my promotion – all you are actually doing is giving yourself an excuse not to be happy. You are putting the responsibility on others instead of taking it for yourself and whilst you are doing this, you will never be happy or change things. To have success and happiness you need to take control of your life and make changes.

If you find that you frequently end up in the wrong type of wrong relationship – you probably start each new relationship ‘waiting for it to happen again’, and it will because you get what you are focused on!

So what do you do? Write a list of what your values are and what you will bring to a relationship, when you meet someone or when your partner does something you don’t like, see if it directly conflicts your values and what you are offering and seek. If they apologise, have they conciously avoided making the same mistake again, or do they keep doing it and saying sorry? If you are putting up with someone who isn’t showing you the same care as you are showing them, then it’s time to move on…

 

If you want to talk through your personal situation with me you can arrange your Personal One to One time with me here –

http://www.rebeccadakin.com/ask-rebecca/dating-advice/men/consultation/