‘I want her back’ v’s ‘I want her to want me back’
So what’s the difference and which is best?
Well the first one is about what you want, and the second is about the other person and what they want.
Remember my post, (link here) stop focussing on what you want and think about what value you can give to others?
This is a classic example. I had a coaching session the other week with someone who wanted his ex back.
He was thinking all about himself and what he wanted and not about what she wanted. The key to her wanting him back is to listen to her and give her what she wants.
It’s super simple when you think about it. You find out what your ex wants, their values and beliefs, and if you can be congruent with what they want, then they have no reason not to want you back. This is on the basis that first and for most you both want to be in a relationship (not necessarily with each other, but neither would prefer to be single), and that there is mutual physical attraction and trust.
In this case there was a child involved. He was so focussing on wanting her back because he knew that she would never stop him seeing his daughter, he was missing the message that she was giving; which was that she didn’t want to feel like there were expectations from her, she wanted him to focus on their daughter. A mother wants for her and her child a man who can offer her stability, provide for them, consistancy, support, understanding and love, and much more. See the link above in red.
She was requesting space and he wasn’t giving it to her because he was worried she would forget about him and find someone else. He was worried that when he saw his daughter it would free up her time and she’d have more time to find someone else.
You have to remember that whatever a woman says she ultimately would like the ideal situation to be a family unit with the father of her child (providing she is happy in the relationship and gets what she wants out of it, security etc…) rather than a man who isn’t.
This guy didn’t realise that he was in a very strong position even though she wasn’t with him. They have that bond, and all he needs to do is give her space, show he can be consistent, responsible and offer security and stability and she will want him back to complete her family unit.
If you expect something from someone (e.g. them to see you, speak to them, for them to reply and say they feel the same way when you say how you feel) it puts them under pressure and if that person isn’t sure if they want to be in the relationship, the pressure is likely to make them back off altogether.
She told him that she couldn’t commit to taking him back. Her message was clear: give me space, don’t expect anything from me, prove yourself and focus on building the relationship with your daughter.
If he listens to this and does this, this in turn will increase the potential of them getting back together. I hope if there are some guys in a similar situation they can learn something from this post.
The message here isn’t about whether you have a child or not together it’s about if you want to get your ex back really listening to what she wants, and acknowledging whether you can provide it, and if so making the changes needed, instead of thinking about what you want **be what she wants**.