16 Jan What is Coercive control? Recognising the signs
What is Coercive control? Recognising the signs
Coercive control is a form of emotional abuse where one person dominates another through manipulation, isolation, and intimidation. Recognizing the signs early is crucial for protecting your emotional and physical well-being.
The reason it’s known as coercive is it’s not as outwardly obvious as someone being blatantly controlling and it very often it gets mislabelled or misunderstood as ‘care’. To clarify coercive control IS a form of domestic abuse.
Those who coercively control will have you doubting your reality, questioning your sanity and will use theirs, or your, mental health issues/challenges to their advantage, or making you feel like you need to put up with their unreasonable behaviour because of theirs.
It’s important to note that even one of these coercive control behaviours listed below in isolation is NOT ok, however commonly there will be combination of a few of these controlling behaviours present.
Here’s some examples as to what coercive control in a relationship might look like:
- Isolation from Friends and Family
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- Your partner discourages or forbids you from seeing loved ones.
- They create conflicts to drive a wedge between you and your support system.
This could look like, ‘If I was you, I wouldn’t put up with my sister/friend/mum speaking to me like that. If she visits again don’t expect me to be nice to her!’
- Monitoring and Surveillance
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- Constantly checking your phone, social media, or whereabouts.
- Insisting on knowing every detail of your daily activities.
This may look like, ‘I know what you’re like, I just worry about you. If I don’t hear back from you straight away, I worry something bad has happened to you. It’s because I care.’
- Sexual Control
- Demanding sex, making you feel pressured, guilt trips, and/or suggesting they will have to go elsewhere for sex if you don’t fulfil their physical needs.
‘I have a high sex drive, and I find you super-hot, is it so wrong to want to have sex with you? I love you. I don’t want to have to go elsewhere.’
‘Why won’t you let me have anal sex? Don’t you love me? You should want to make me happy!’
- Financial Control
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- Restricting access to money or demanding control of your finances.
- Sabotaging your ability to work or earn independently.
- Expecting you to pay for everything, taking put loans in your name
‘You don’t need to work we have enough money coming in. I can give you money if you need it.’ Leading to someone having to ask for money for necessities.
- Emotional Manipulation
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- Gaslighting, where they make you doubt your memory or perceptions.
- Using guilt or fear to manipulate your decisions.
Long term this can look like someone instilling self-doubt, ‘you know you always forget things’, ‘you need to see a therapist’ or ‘you’re always trying to pick an argument’
- Unrealistic Expectations
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- Making demands you can’t meet and punishing you for falling short.
‘I don’t want you going out again. Last time I was worried sick because you promised you would message me at 9pm and 11pm and you were too pissed to remember. You can’t be trusted’
Or ‘I’m here ill, you’ve been out all day and you’re still planning on going out this evening. You’re so selfish!’
If you recognize these signs, seek support from trusted friends, family, or a professional. Coercive control can escalate over time, making it essential to address the issue early.
You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and equality. Identifying coercive control is the first step toward reclaiming your independence and happiness.
If you would like to explore more about what is coercive control in relationships, then please reach out.
I’ve been in these types of relationships in the past and have both personal and professional experience as a relationship coach and therapist navigating them. If you want to explore how I may be able to help you with your personal situation you can arrange a FREE 30-minute exploratory call with me here…
https://calendly.com/rebeccadakin/30-minute-clarity-call